Sunday, December 20, 2015

And ever o'er its babel sounds

Today is Sunday.

Yesterday, good things were suppose to happen.  I can't say that it was a day much out of the ordinary for us.  Every day has something good in it.   Every day has something bad.

Yet, ever o'er the chatter of the world, we feel heaven's watch! However, it is becoming increasingly more difficult to hear it, find it, feel it.

This weekend, has been an interesting one in my head.  The struggles with finances, insurance, doctor's and continued illness is ever present.  We have had a houseful of company in the mix as well. Spencer came home early Saturday morning with an Elder friend he served with on his mission.  They are buddies now in Utah.  He had to come here to help pack up his sister and move her things into our basement for storage and then Spencer was taking them back to Salt Lake so they can fly out to their home in Pittsburgh.  It was fun to meet both kids and they seem awesome.  We also have a family from Colorado that Spencer baptized, here for the weekend.

We went for lunch and I asked her why she was taking a semester off and she said she was having brain surgery because her cerebellum has been falling into an area at the back of her brain that hadn't closed up.  I said, "Oh, gosh, you have Chiari Malformation!"

Her eyes were as big as I've ever seen, "Yes! No one knows about Chiari!"

It so happens that it is something they suspect in my kids but it hasn't been on the short list of things to worry about so we haven't pursued it. Anyhow...

Among all of the activity, I noticed Spencer was eating Zofran, an anti-nausea medication like popcorn.  Shelbie was riddled with chest pain and I was worrying about Sam up in the mountains with friends and his crappy lungs full of junk. AND, I  was still thinking back to the morning when people from church dropped off a box of food and gifts for the kids.

We've been on the list of gifts for the poor since I lost my job back in 2009.  6 years!  It's been a 6 year struggle for sure but we are a simple family, don't need a lot, expect a lot, require a lot...we are pretty much content with what we have.  Most years, it doesn't bother me but yesterday it did.

The box showed up when I was still at the temple.  The kids just left it in the kitchen. Spencer's friends were here and saw it, the people from Colorado saw it and clearly, it was recognized as something for a needy family.  I felt embarrassed.  I felt my insides burning up. I was ashamed that my kids had to admit that this was their life. From everything I know about each of these visitors, they would be considered among the wealthy of the wealthy.  And here we are...just trying to survive.

I don't understand really where these feelings came from.  I'm not one to care all that much, usually.  But I couldn't help wondering why life has to be so hard for us.  I try so hard!  So hard!  I work harder than anyone I know.  I have multiple part time jobs, most of them I hate but I do them because I feel like God provided them for me but I keep thinking, 'wouldn't it be easier if Heavenly Father just helped me find one decent job that was enough to cover the usual expenses, medical expenses and put some away to cover house repairs, car repairs and all the other things that come up?'  I'm not even asking for extra things like vacations, or any of the other frills everyone around me enjoys without worry.

Instead, I have to worry and panic multiple times a month when there isn't a dime to cover bills, or watch Shelbie give Sam money so he can rent clothes at the college to play racquetball with his friends.  It is hard. It's hard feeling like a failure every day.

It's the babel sounds...the chatter of the world that breaks into my head every now and again and makes it impossible to feel worth, or worthy of any blessing I receive.

 I am grateful.  I express gratitude many times in a day for my daily bread that is provided by a loving Heavenly Father.  I have faith that God knows what he is doing.  He knows that my heart is in the right place.  He knows that I am willing to work, to try and provide for my kids.  He knows that I want nothing more than to be a good mom, an available mom to care for my kids when they need me.  There is no other way that I can see to do this. I am not an employable specimen...my kids are too sick.  I need to have flexible jobs.

There are angels around us, leaning in, bending over us with peace and blessings.  It's been an isolating kind of year for us. So many of my friends have just sort of disappeared from our life.  Everyone has something going on.  We all get consumed with the chatter.  In that process, I feel even more, the presence of our friends and family on the other side, filling our home.  My grandparents, I'm sure are watching over me and my kids.  My friends that are gone like Carma, Carolyn, Irma, Joe, Mike, Konra, Vanna, Reed, Dana...they are all close by.  I can feel them too. I have met new friends this year, who live at a distance but they too just survive in the trenches of chronic illness like we do.

So...for this week, my prayer for all of us is that we can stop and hear the sounds of Heaven instead of the chatter from the world.  We can be still and feel the angels bending near.  There are few of us, immune from life's crushing load, no matter how much of the world's wealth we possess.

From the original 5 verses of  It Came Upon A Midnight Clear, by Edmund Sears, I leave you with this.


And ye, beneath life's crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow,
Look now! for glad and golden hours
come swiftly on the wing.
O rest beside the weary road,
And hear the angels sing!





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1 comment:

  1. Kathy, I just have to tell you that I really enjoy reading your blog. I love how honest you are. You go through SO much and I just admire your will to push forward. I don't have near the struggles that you and your beautiful children have faced, and you just keep on keepin on. I really look up to you and thank you for being real. I wish you all the best in your upcoming procedure. I love you and am so blessed to know you. I hope all goes well. Love, Shalyn

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