Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The Messy Middle

One of my favorite authors is Brene Brown.  I love everything she has to say and the way she says it.  She is an amazing wordsmith too! (I guess that was redundant...)  I follow her on Instagram and last night, this was her post...

"Act II:  The middle space.  The part of the story where the main character is lost and struggling.  She tries to find the way forward by taking every path except the ones that require vulnerability.  The struggle continues until she finally realizes that the only way home is through vulnerability.  Into the dark.  I hate Act II.  I love Act II.  The middle is messy.  But, it's where the magic happens.  We live in the rumble." Brene Brown

We are definitely in the messy middle.  I think a week of only getting an hour of sleep here and an hour there caught up to me last night.  I kind of struggled in a big way and I ended up with a fever and felt horrible.  I had to work and then came home and fell into a chair and watched Spencer and Shelbie try to get Photoshop working on Spencer's computer.   Sam got home from Young Men's around 9:30 and I took some Nyquil and went to bed.

Once in bed, I had me a good little, quiet cry.  The kind you hope the kids don't hear.  The kind I usually reserve for the shower at 1 am.  I think I was just so tired.  In the middle of my good cry, I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was Spencer.   Usually, when I get a tap on my shoulder, when I am in bed, it means that someone is about to puke, or has a raging fever, or stopped breathing or something I am going to have to take care of. Occasionally, it's Shelbie telling me they are going to McDonalds for breakfast at midnight!

This time, Spencer said, "Mom.  I am sorry you are sick.  You spend so much time taking care of us all the time, I just wondered if I could do something for you tonight? "  Somehow, that made everything better...well, not my fever but the messiness of yesterday seemed just a little bit tidier.

When he left, I resumed crying until I fell asleep crying.  I woke up at 2:30 and realized I wasn't crying anymore.  That was nice!  Sometimes, I wake up hours later still crying. (confessions)

It is definitely a messy middle.  A rumble.  One day, we manage just fine and it really feels like things are improving and the next day,  or even moments later, it feels like I am watching death roll slowly towards our front door, ready to carry one of my kids off.   Those are the moments you flail around, looking for something to tether yourself to...but, it passes.  

I know I need to post more pictures and I will try.  I just don't like to see Spencer so thin and frail and I don't want to remember these days...I want to remember what I am learning but I don't want to remember physical things.

My next post is going to be a happy one!  Despite the sad things and hard things...the kids are happy!  They really are!  I hear them laughing with each other all the time!  And...that makes the rumble of the day a little more bearable.


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