Thursday, October 1, 2015

Day by day

Life is puzzling isn't it?  Well, my life is anyways.

I can be going along, just fine!  Totally 'normal'.  Every day is just another day in an even stride and rhythm of life.  And then, without warning, we trip up and everything is off.  This isn't at all how I wanted the last 8 weeks to be.

I knew that Spencer coming home was going to take some adjustment and I knew that there would be tests to catch up on.  I didn't know to the extent and extreme that this would affect me. I didn't know that for two years, Spencer didn't really tell me the truth about his health.  I didn't know that everything would fall apart so fast.

I saw this quote and in a small way, describes how I am feeling.

With Shelbie and Sam, I see them everyday.  I seem them struggle one day but then they have a few good days.   Day by day, it seems it all averages out and you don't notice how this disease changes things and dissolves away the healthy stuff in such subtle ways.

For 2 years, I didn't get to see Spencer except the 4 times we were allowed to Skype.  When he left, he was in relatively good health.  I didn't know any different. When he came home, the toll his mission took and the advances of the disease process were staggering to me. Everything was different all at once instead of one day, melting into the next.

I also didn't realize just how hard it was to send Spencer on a mission.  It was a blessing I didn't struggle with his absence while he was gone, but boy, do I feel the weight of what I was asked to do, now.  I think this is all contributing my emotional month.  So many changes.  So much time being strong.  So much energy in faith and hope.  Now with so many problems to face, it's all just a little too much.

I know that soon, this wave of anxiety will subside and things will get back to the day to day...hardly noticing how the disease is acting but boy, until then, this is not my favorite place to be.


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