Saturday, September 5, 2015

This means war

It has been a hard week but for some reason, yesterday was about the hardest day. I felt like I was going to 'snap' all day.  It was as if every single person I have ever associated with needed something from me.  My phone was going non stop, the kids needed me, and a project I offered to 'help' out with and thought it would be an hour, turned into 8 hours.  Needless to say, I am terribly behind and feel thin as I spread myself across all the needs to fill.

We are three days into the diet and it is going okay but it is definitely far from better.  The truth is nothing is really going to help.  It only becomes the difference between horrid pain and significant pain and discomfort.

Last night, I could feel a major breakdown coming.  It has just been too much for too long.  I don't understand what is happening to my kids.  We were fine one minute and not the next...or so it seems.

But...then I remembered that each step we take, each trial we get through has prepared us and taught us for the next big thing around the bend.  We are at the next bend.  It's time to apply what we have already learned.

In a sense, we are embarking on a battle.  This situation is a war of the mind.  A war between hope and despair.  A war between faith and fear. I don't want all our past trials and learning to be for naught.  I want to be more graceful and submissive as we enter this stage that seems so impossible to survive.

Just like the battleground, we can only guess at where the next hit is coming.  We can only estimate the mind of the enemy.  The disease is the enemy but part of the problem is also trying to understand the commands from the General- God.  I try to see what he is doing with his walking wounded (us) but then it seems everything I thought was going to happen doesn't.  It's human nature to want to plan for the future.  In war, everything is in question. In war, there are no promised tomorrows.  Nothing is as it should be and the twists and turns can make no sense at all.  Time is spent in course correcting...constantly.  That is hard work for the mind.

In battle, you have to be on guard.  You have to take a step, wait, watch, listen and hope some directions come through.  When they don't, and night falls and you are all alone on the battle field, you take another step and hope and pray like crazy you survive the hidden land mines.

Since Spencer returned from his mission, his plan was to got to LDS Business College in Utah and get a job at a car dealership that his Mission President owns.  That was a great plan but nothing was working out to that extent.

The high school lost his transcript not once but three times.  One time, they sent it to the wrong school.  He had problems getting leaders to co operate in getting his endorsement interviews done in time.   Then...let's not forget he has spent the majority of the past two weeks in the hospital!

Yesterday, was the school deadline and by 5 pm, he had not heard if he had been accepted, in fact, they said it would take them 4 weeks to decide if he could even be accepted but, school starts on the 14th.  And...student housing is completely full and he has not been able to find housing alternatives.

Yesterday was also the date planned to have the job interview- it was suppose to be just a formality.  Well, they said they didn't have a place for him as a salesman.  They said they would have to meet to see where they could put him.

Still...Spencer had hope.  Still...I had hope...at least everything I told Spencer was full of hope.  I told him to wait upon the Lord.  To trust that a plan will unfold and he will see the next step to take.  I told him not to think too far into the future.   I told him to just carry on, doing the needful thing.

My inside voice however...felt strongly that this plan to move out of State was not what he should do since he is so sick.  I felt like he needed the rest of this year to resolve some of these physical issues.  After all...he is down to 114 pounds!  Nevertheless...I was anxious to see what  exactly Heavenly Father had in store for Spencer.

There is this constant pull, from panic to peace and back to panic.  It is truly a war to keep your mind from going to dark places where there is only one lone survivor.

So...in my mind, I was sure he wouldn't be leaving.

Last night, at 10pm, he texted me an exciting message that he was accepted to school!

And so goes the war in my head...now what?

I don't know how this kid is going to go to school...with our without a job!  I don't know how he will have the energy to do both.  I don't know how he will manage to cook a special diet of food for himself.  I don't know how he will keep up on eating every two hours.

I have no idea what the Lord is doing with us!  It's a  crazy feeling to be tossed about, completely unsure of anything.  It's a war.

I want to be positive and hopeful.  I want to trust that my kids are going to make it through this rough patch...that I will make it through...but there are moments when I can't....even....breathe.  And today, I am remembering when the trial was so much easier.


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