Sunday, September 6, 2015

The War With What Is

Each year, I feel like I am led to someone who inspires me so much, their words and their thoughts seem to get me through the hard times.  It's as if they have been divinely appointed to help me through the hard times.

The year I lost my job, it was The Course in Miracles that I had spent a full 6 months studying.  I was so intrigued with this book.  With each inspiring podcast I listened to, I learned so much more about my faith.  Later that year, Shelbie ended up having chemotherapy and the things I had previously learned, helped us get through that.

Last year, it was Brene Brown and her theory on owning your story, learning to be vulnerable.

This year, along with inspiring messages from the leaders of my church, I am so interested in the work of Byron Katie.  Her messages on suffering and trials are timely for me.  She speaks volumes about how the suffering we feel comes from our own thoughts and our own resistance.  When I heard her speak the statement...The war with what is...It struck me.

This is so true.  When I am feeling strong and hopeful, I am controlling my mind.  I am trusting in God's plan.  I am not judging the situation we find ourselves in.  It's so easy when facing a chronic disease to get mowed down by the what ifs and maybes.  It takes no time at all, and hardly any energy to jump to conclusions and envision the worst case scenario.

As much as I would like to say that I have mastered my mind...I have not.  I have to keep convincing myself that everything is going to be okay.  That is exhausting and some days, impossible.

But at the same time, I am learning.  Slowly and steadily, I am learning to accept what is and keep my heart and my head open.

Our latest setback is being denied cardiac testing for Spencer.  Even though, it was requested by our Pulmonologist who found obvious problems with Spencer's lungs and the fact that his siblings have holes in their heart and lungs; the insurance company said, the testing was not relevant.  Not relevant.  What does that even mean?  How is it optional for an insurance company that I am paying privately for to just decide if my child receives treatment?

Nevertheless, I have been teaching my kids to seize the moment and they are trying so hard to do that, even on days when they find it hard to get out of bed. I have been coaching them to find joy in the journey, trust in the plan and all those other adages we tell each other and ourselves...so...getting upset about the insurance issue, it not an option.

We will stay the course, try to accept what is. The truth is, there is a part of me that is sort of excited to see how things are going to unfold.

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