Saturday, September 12, 2015

The Heart of a Mother

As a mother, we sure are called upon to do some hard things!

As I look back over the last little while, I am struck by all the hard things I have had to do and continue to do.  I am especially surprised that I let my son leave for two years.  I didn't realize, during the two years, how much of an impact it was having on me.  When he got home, I felt this incredible release of anxious energy.  I may have even suffered a little PTSD without realizing it because now that he is going to school, I am having waves of anxiety about him being gone...again!   I hate it.

As our saga continues...Spencer was accepted to school but due to a bad housing shortage for students, we have been unable to secure a place for him to live.  He also didn't have the job he was counting on.  

He's been so patient and working his faith that things would turn out but it was also weighing heavily on him.  After doing a lot of networking, coming up with a plan, we headed down to Salt Lake on Friday to do more house hunting.

The whole way down in the wee hours of the morning, I kept wondering why I was doing this for him?  If I find a place for him to live, it just means he is gone!  Moving on and moving out!  Why would I do that?  Why do I do half the things I do for my kids?

Everything I do is for their happiness.  Everything.  I can't think of the last time I did one thing that made me happy.  Just me.  I guess you could say that doing things for my kids makes me happy, it does.  You could also say that doing things for my kids makes me so very sad.
Spencer's new home sweet home.  At this point, we had no clue what the inside looked like but as always...we grin and bear it! 

Friday, after spending a few hours in search of housing, we secured a lovely little home outside of Salt Lake.  He also secured a full time job, just 5 minutes from the little house.  We rented it without even seeing the inside.  What kind of mother, sends her kid to a town she is not familiar with, to live with two other boys she knows nothing about!?

They could be ax murderers or worse!  They could be gamers!  They could be dirty, filthy slobs. They could be mean.  They could be drunken bums who party with cocaine and crystal meth!

All day, I couldn't figure out why I was trying so hard to make him happy and have all his plans work out when I could so clearly hear my own heart breaking with each success?

I'm tired of this mothering gig.  I really am.  The joys are so intense but so are the heartaches.  It's a pretty crazy job when you think about it.  The range of emotions can swing wildly from one to another or even better, they come all at once.  This is when you laugh and cry at the very same time and nothing you do will stop either emotion....That may or may not have happened yesterday.

Spencer decided that since he has to be there all weekend for his friend's wedding where he will be acting as a groomsman, and school starts Monday, he will just stay there.  Shelbie and I came home and we will pack up his bedroom and his dad and I will deliver it all to him tomorrow.  I'm sure that will be another hallmark day in the life of this mother!!

In reality and all sarcasm and bitterness and resentment and fear and anxiety and fatigue aside...

His new house is going to be fine.  It is owned by a responsible family who lives in Virginia or somewhere far away.  Their son is living there and he just returned from his mission 2 weeks ago and will be attending University of Utah.  The other boy living there is also a recently returned missionary.  They are supplying him with a private bedroom, a bed, all the kitchen stuff, washer and dryer etc.  The interior has been completely remodeled with new cabinets, flooring and granite counters, so, it seems like a great set up.  

Both Spencer and I felt strongly that it is the place Heavenly Father prepared for him.  Spencer is excited, he said, "This place is amazing and 100% better than anything I lived in the past two years!"

Spencer met the young man who 'owns' the house and will be his roommate.  He is nice looking, active in sports, and seems like they will have a lot in common. I doubt that Spencer will be there very much.  He will work full time Monday, Wednesday, Friday and some Saturdays from 7-7.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays he will be at school from 8am til 9pm.

I continue to fret about Spencer's health.  He is still sick, in fact nothing has really changed.  He eats, he gets sick.  Some days, it's better than others and the diet has been helpful and eating more often but with his schedule, I know he isn't going to stick to the diet.  No 21 year old on earth is going to come home after work or school for 12 hours and make a healthy, water soluble meal.  I don't see any way for him to be eating every 2 hours either, especially at work.

I placed him squarely in the hands of the Lord once, I will have to do it again.  But man...this is harder the second time around.

I don't know how I continue to keep doing these hard things like letting my sick kids go!  I've basically decided that I am no longer going to try to make them happy anymore.  It's all about me from here on out! So...take that you darn kids that I love too much!! ;)



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