Friday, July 17, 2015

The weight

It's true what they say, you often don't notice the weight of something you carry until you feel the weight of its release.

I think the past month or so has been an evolution of releasing.  Not because of anything I did, it just happened.  Things medically, have finally slowed down for the kids. We have fallen into our new groove with hospital visits for pulmonary therapy three times a week and a relaxed summer schedule.

 It almost feels like God is clearing out some space so that I can take care of other matters in life like, being there for my parents, getting ready to transition Spencer home, and taking care of my own dumb health problems and wrapping up a few months of an intense workload.

I didn't realize how worn out and threadbare I had become the last few months.  Today, I slept right through my alarm and didn't even move until 8am!  A personal sleep record for me.  That's like 6 hours of sleep!  (It was very late when I went to bed!)

There is something unsettling though about the release you feel when you finally come up for air.  It's hard to relax all the same...waiting to be pulled back under at any moment.  I guess it's like a PTSD sort of thing, always on high alert.

I know the fray is coming again.  Until then, I am finding this new place as much of an adjustment as our usual place.  It's a different sort of weight.  All this 'extra' time is not good for my head.  It's not good to have the chaos stop because then I have time to notice all the broken things in life.  The things in life that aren't working for me.   I guess this quote sums up a bit of what I feel now.


There is something of wonder when we can step back in the chaos and see how we continue to breathe through it all, never understanding how it can even be possible.  It's the human spirit to stay alive that gets us through I guess.

Sometimes, I can't help but think that the spirit to survive is dwindling in me just a little bit. I guess you could say my heart is just tired from all that roaring I've been doing this year.

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