Monday, July 27, 2015

Heaven Help Me!

I'm not sure if this is a normal thing for those of us who live the life of chronic illness but every now and again, I get to the end of the proverbial rope.  The strange thing is, it never seems to happen when we are in the throws of problems, it seems to happen when things are relatively quiet and calm on the health front.  That is so annoying because then the quiet and calm is ruined with uptight and anxiety.

Every little thing is bugging me!  Every little thing is setting me off.  I'm not normally like this.  I don't really understand what is happening really.  I guess I don't realize how much things build up inside and when it's safe, and life is quiet, it bubbles up and overflows.

Early this morning, I'm talking EARLY...Shelbie came into my room to wake me up saying we needed to go to the hospital.  She had IVIG on Friday and has been suffering all weekend with the headache.  I have made every effort to put together a cocktail to keep her comfortable but it was no longer working.  For some reason, instead of touching me on the shoulder, or shaking me, punching me in the face...she put her hand in my side.  I FREAKED out!!!

I screamed and was ready to plow her in the face!  Of course it was dark, it is always the darkest before dawn and I couldn't really see her nor could I hear her and I thought I was having a heart attack.  It's been a long time since my adrenaline raced quite that fast!  When I realized it was her, I flopped down on my bed to pull myself together.

Lucky for me, I had fallen asleep in my clothes, so it was convenient that we could just leave.  I didn't even care how I looked.

The hospital was aggravating to me!  They were so slow even though they hardly had any patients.  It took everything I had to not yell and scream!  They wanted to take her picture as we checked in.  I said, "Really?  Can you see she can't even lift her head up on her own?  Can I email you a picture of her.  Taking a picture now, is going to look worse than a mugshot."

It took 45 minutes of a very tired nurse asking the same questions in different ways.  I just want to give her a tight hug around her neck! We are there all the freaking time!! They know us, they know our history...why the red tape...every time?

Thankfully, by the time that nurse finished wasting our time, in walked my best friend!  She is an ER nurse! They were changing shifts!  So, then our visit turned around and her and another nurse who use to be Shelbie's home health nurse about 10 years ago, took care of things.  We didn't even see the ER doctor until we were ready to be discharged.  He didn't even question why we were there, just got things rolling.  I so appreciated not having to ramble on about things with him too!  Having efficient people at the hospital makes all the difference!

In other annoying news...my Wasband and I decided to sell our old Subaru in order to pay for repairs on one of the other pieces of junk we own.  We sold it Saturday night but the new owners hadn't picked it up yet.  Sunday morning, some guy messing around on his cell phone, slammed into the car with his car!  He hit it with so much force that it pushed the car up onto the front yard. Completely totaled it!  We could have been rude and let it be the new owners problem but we are taking the hit and gave them back their money.  Sadly, the kid who hit it is from Saudi Arabia and didn't have insurance on his vehicle.  We didn't have insurance on the car because of the sale.  So...it isn't looking good.  We will probably just sell off parts and pieces and junk it.

In good news!  Sam got a job at the cemetery!  It's just a part time job that will only last 7 weeks but it's going to be a good job for him.  He will be taking care of the grounds there every day.  He might even get to dig some graves!  Just kidding...I'm sure they have more experienced men for that.

In other good news!  Spencer left his last area today.  He will spend the next two days with his Mission President in Denver before coming home.

Hopefully, before he gets home, I can get my 'Zen' on and try to calm down from this pent up anxiety and annoying people in my life.  We'll see how that goes.  I have to go to the dentist tomorrow.  I have two broken teeth so after that...maybe things will be better!

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Sunday, July 26, 2015

Undefined

I've actually had an interesting week of sorts.

I'm sort of sick of people and the way they define others.  Just because someone reads a page on this blog, or sees me not quite at my best, doesn't mean they know me. Just because something frustrating happens doesn't mean I let it ruin my entire day.  I am not a day on this blog.  I am not a mood that lasts all of 1 hour.  I am not a disease. I am not lonely.  I am not anything you think I am.

In fact, I like to think of myself as undefined.  Someone once said I was mysterious.  What is it about human nature that we have to define people?  I am amazed what people will argue about with total strangers.  It is staggering how you can't even say what you feel anymore without someone correcting your thoughts. It's kind of frustrating to me.  I guess it all comes down to ego. We somehow have this need to one up each other.  If someone has a story to tell, it never fails, someone has a better one.  I think social media just makes this worse.

Another experience I had was interesting. I met someone who said they really didn't think Sam was a good kid until quite sometime after they had been around him.  I asked why that was the case.  They didn't really have one good reason...single mom, he has a friend who had made some mistakes and they assumed that Sam made the same mistake.  He didn't.  He was not all deserving of these judgments.  Interestingly, their opinion changed when they found out that Sam had volunteered to help one of their elderly family members with yard work.  It wasn't a group activity, or an assignment, it was a personal choice Sam made on his own.

I get so tired of people making assumptions.  This has happened over and over.  They think because all three of my kids have DC we must be miserable.  It is even worse when we have a run of hospital trips and rough times.  They think all we do is sit around and wait to die.  We have been stereotyped because kids from single mom's never amount to anything.

We aren't any of these things.  We are a happy, well adjusted family. My kids aren't perfect and they screw up all the time.  I am not perfect.  I screw up more than they do!  We continually try to be better.  Yes, life is hard but it isn't bad.  It's just hard.  Hard is good.  Hard is when we learn and grow.  Yes, I have a mountain of problems but I have a mountain of blessings too.

I think we need to try a little harder to see each other in the best possible light.  We may not agree with or love the things that people around us do.  We may not share in the same perspective but we can try to remember that it is their truth, their story, their journey.  This is a lesson as much for me.  I let people get to me more than I should.  I need to let the toxic people in my life go.  It's that simple.

I am proud of my kids for rising above the stereotypes, and for not letting their disease define them or limit them no matter how hard it is.

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Friday, July 24, 2015

Friday

What is it about Friday?

Even though I work through most weekends, there is something about Friday that feels different from Thursday, it feels like a deep breath.  A deep, cleansing breath and my shoulders relax and I am...tired!

Friday is my night to sit and do nothing, go to bed late(r) and sleep in, at least get an extra hour of sleep than usual.  Trust me, that's big!

It's hard to believe another week has come and almost gone.  Spencer will be home in 5 days, but whose counting.  I have a ton of work to accomplish before he gets home so I can take a couple of days off.

 Today, we got Shelbie's transfusion out of the way.  I don't know what it is about sitting in a hospital for 12 hours that is simply exhausting!  Her blood counts didn't look so great either.  Her white count was lower than we've seen in awhile and she is neutropenic.  Her blood pressure was really low as well, 90/52.  Other than that, everything went well.

Well, I have a big Saturday planned.  I am going to get all the baking done for Spencer's Open House.  I am making stuff that I can freeze and pull out the day of.  I also have some meetings and before the day is over, I will have the house deep cleaned.

Even though the work is cut out for me...tonight is Friday!

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Tuesday, July 21, 2015

A little hiccup

We had a little hiccup today in our run of doctor free days.

Sam has had an inflammation in his eye for weeks.  I have been keeping an 'eye' on it.  It can be completely red as blood, the entire white of his eye and after a couple of days, it's cleared up so I think it's better but it comes back again just as angry.  There is no discharge or anything so I haven't worried about pink eye.

The last couple of days, it's been doing better but then tonight, I noticed a little pool of blood in the corner.  I have a crammed week with hospital visits the rest of the week so I told him to hurry to the car and we would run down to the after hours clinic.  We got there just before they closed.

Turns out he likely has Scleritis, an inflammatory disease of the sclera of the eye.  Dyskeratosis Congenita can wreak havoc on the eyes.  We will start an eye drop and hopefully, it clears up.   It's the same eye he loses his vision in and he has a cyst on that eye as well.

I'm sure it will be fine and really, that isn't the story here.

Sam is not handling these little things that come up very well.  I can appreciate what he is feeling but he goes straight to the worst case.  I tried to reassure him that it is just an inflammatory process that can be fixed.  Instead of just saying he is scared to go to the doctor in case they find something bad, he has to act like a bear!  He gets so mean!  I hate it. I hate the contention.

I'm not really sure how to help him navigate this better.  It's easy to make the mistake that they are taking life in stride when the day seems to go off without a hitch; when day after day is relatively calm. The reality, it's all falling apart on the inside, the part he doesn't let anyone see.

I have tried to reason with him and talk about this when things are good but it seems he needs to be reassured way more than I am doing.

Poor kid.  I feel sorry for him.  Because of this inflammation in his eye we have to see our Ophthalmologist just to make sure the Neva and cyst they are watching aren't getting worse.  I'm pretty confident it is nothing but better safe than sorry.

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Saturday, July 18, 2015

Crazy Cat! And Mouse

The other night, I went out to the garage to get something and this is what I found.



I don't own a cat!  My garage doors were locked up.  I don't know how long he was in there but he certainly appears to be content.  Cats are crazy!  They have this issue with entitlement I think.  He just laid there staring at me like, "What do you want?  Shut the door!  I was sleeping!"  He didn't seem to care he was laying on my car as much as I cared!!!

This isn't the first time the cat has been around.  He mostly resides in our backyard.  He keeps hopping the 6' fence.   I don't really mind if he is wandering around but he needs to learn some boundaries!

And...here is my next issue...MICE!



Earlier in the week, Shelbie was headed to bed and had her window open. She asked Sam to come in and kill a spider in the window well that was "Making too much noise."  

I said, "Shelbie, since when do spiders make too much noise?"  I went to the window and saw nothing and heard nothing.  Sam left to spend the night at his dad's.  About an hour later, Shelbie was screaming and running upstairs.   I met her at the stairs and she told me about the mouse nibbling on her screen to get in!!  

I don't know why I freaked out!  I was the kid always dragging around a cat or two in one arm and field mice in the other.  Now, I hate them both...cats and mice.  There is nothing cute about either and I am so bugged by their presence in my life right now. 

With that said, this cat seems to be homeless so, I'm cutting him some slack in hopes that if he hangs around, he will find a buffet of mice in my backyard to feast on and solve the worst problem of all.  Here's to hoping...


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Friday, July 17, 2015

The weight

It's true what they say, you often don't notice the weight of something you carry until you feel the weight of its release.

I think the past month or so has been an evolution of releasing.  Not because of anything I did, it just happened.  Things medically, have finally slowed down for the kids. We have fallen into our new groove with hospital visits for pulmonary therapy three times a week and a relaxed summer schedule.

 It almost feels like God is clearing out some space so that I can take care of other matters in life like, being there for my parents, getting ready to transition Spencer home, and taking care of my own dumb health problems and wrapping up a few months of an intense workload.

I didn't realize how worn out and threadbare I had become the last few months.  Today, I slept right through my alarm and didn't even move until 8am!  A personal sleep record for me.  That's like 6 hours of sleep!  (It was very late when I went to bed!)

There is something unsettling though about the release you feel when you finally come up for air.  It's hard to relax all the same...waiting to be pulled back under at any moment.  I guess it's like a PTSD sort of thing, always on high alert.

I know the fray is coming again.  Until then, I am finding this new place as much of an adjustment as our usual place.  It's a different sort of weight.  All this 'extra' time is not good for my head.  It's not good to have the chaos stop because then I have time to notice all the broken things in life.  The things in life that aren't working for me.   I guess this quote sums up a bit of what I feel now.


There is something of wonder when we can step back in the chaos and see how we continue to breathe through it all, never understanding how it can even be possible.  It's the human spirit to stay alive that gets us through I guess.

Sometimes, I can't help but think that the spirit to survive is dwindling in me just a little bit. I guess you could say my heart is just tired from all that roaring I've been doing this year.

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Thursday, July 16, 2015

The last care package

Today, I mailed out one last care package for Spencer.  He will be home in less than two weeks and he is really anxious about the move home.

I can see why.  He is doing what he loves to do.  He is happy and healthy.  He has a purpose and is focused each day.  It's much harder to find your purpose and focus when it's just up to you and no one else is telling you how it will be.

So, I have been wracking my brain to come up with a way to make the transition easier.  I scoured the internet and found a lot of things but not exactly what I was interested in.  I saw a lot of pictures of 'finish lines' and banners that read, "you're done!" in regards to missionaries coming home.  I realized that I didn't want Spencer to treat his mission like something he had to check of his eternal list of things to do.  That makes it sound like it could have easily been a burden.  It wasn't.  At least for Spencer it wasn't a burden or task on his list of things to do.

I want Spencer to think of coming home as a continuation of his mission.  I want him to see that just because he will not be wearing a suit and black name tag, his heart should still be focused on being a disciple of Christ.

My great idea came as I thought about the letter he received when he got his mission call...so...I wrote him a letter of 'Transfer' from me!  I love how it turned out.  I also made him a list of 10 things he needs to bring home from his mission like...his testimony, his knowledge of God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, his love of serving, his habits of hard work, his faith...etc.  Finally, I included some 'EXTRA' 'HUGS' and 'KISSES'.

Each picture represented one of the 10 things he needs to bring home from his mission

Hugs and Kisses

My letter of transfer

I also asked him to write a letter about his testimony and experiences so that he can seal it up and read it in 6 months.  

I've been kind of anxious about him coming home too but now I'm just getting excited!  I am getting so excited that I even hired a photographer to come to the airport!  I'm not typically the kind of person to do something like that but I really want his arrival to be well documented and I can't very well do that if I am trying to welcome him home.

I think I'm about ready to have him home!  I can't believe how fast two years has gone by but how slow it went as well.
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Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Standing on the outside

Tonight, I had a couple of deadlines to meet; one for work and one for a class I am taking.  I also had to get started on an assignment for another class.  By the time I got the deadlines met, I had to start on the assignment.  It was 10 pm.

Part of my assignment was taking night pictures of signs that represented my life.  I drove up to the hospital, with the thought of taking a picture of the 'emergency' sign.  Once up there, it just didn't seem like the shot I wanted.

As I was leaving the circle drive, a white truck flew up the driveway of the hospital and into the circle drive where patients are dropped off for the ER.  I was caught off guard by the speed at which they traveled so I just sat there, stunned.

The truck hadn't even come to a full stop when a woman jumped out of the passenger side running to the main entrance doors.  She didn't realize that because of the late hour, those doors get locked and only the ER doors are open.  The young driver jumped out and the two of them were running back and forth in front of the hospital, almost confused, as if someone had been spinning them in circles then watched them stumble across the floor.  You could not only see the tension in their faces but feel it in the air.  It was such a commotion.
 
Within seconds, a nurse came running out of the ER doors with a wheelchair and they pulled a man from the truck.  He was clutching his chest, and drooped over in the wheelchair.  The nurse ran with the man through the double doors, his family trailing behind.

It was an eerie sight.  To be watching from a distance, this woman's world completely unravel, struck me with such heartache and loneliness.

 All I could do was stare blankly.  I wanted to cry really.  I'm not sure it was for her or the man I suspected to be her husband.

Maybe, it was that I realized, I haven't had a moment of chaos like this for a few weeks.  Things have been relatively quiet on the health front.  We are adjusting to Cardio Pulmonary Rehab and all the feelings that have come with that.  We haven't had any infections lately, no doctor appointments, no traumas to speak of.

Not only was I watching her from the outside but I feel like I have been watching my own life from outside the place where I usually stand.  In fact, I've been watching all sorts of people just on the fringes of their life.  Total strangers in fact.

This morning, I had a doctor's appointment for myself.  It's a small office and you hardly see a soul in the waiting room.  As I left my appointment, curled up in a wing back chair was a young boy.   He was dressed in black, almost too big for the chair.  His black mop of matted hair hung down over his eyes.  He was alone and I felt sad... so sad!  I had to hurry out.  I hate to think of the trouble that others live with, the way their heart breaks too at times. The thought that we all have our secret hurts, and wounds we nurse, embarrassed to admit for one minute that life is just no fun at times. Sometimes, the pieces spill out in the chaos as we stand back and watch it all fall apart.

Now that I think about it...I don't like standing on the outside, watching from a distance.  It feels helpless and chaotic.  I want to be on the inside or nowhere at all.   Like watching that poor woman run in seemingly slow motion from door to locked door at the hospital tonight. Sometimes, it's just too much.

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Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Catching up

Life right now is all about getting caught up...

For me...It's about catching up on 'stuff' before Spencer comes home.  I'm afraid to admit that I just did his laundry!  Yes...he left two years ago and I closed his bedroom door and didn't step foot in it again!  So, ya...clean room, clean sheets, new pillows, new curtains...

I am also back to applying for work!

Again...It seems life for me is all about feast or famine.  Unfortunately, I haven't exactly arrived at the 'feast' stage.  I don't think I mentioned this before, or maybe I did...I got slammed with an $8000 tax bill for 2014.  I applied for an "Offer In Compromise" to have the bill reduced.  Apparently, the office I sent it to in Tennessee doesn't communicate with the tax office who sent me a mean letter saying they were placing a lien on my house.   Of course...they never include a phone number until the threatening letters start arriving.  They say I need to pay my entire debt by July 23rd.  I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen...just saying.  I did finally get a hold of a human being they are straightening out my file.  I should hear in 45 days if my offer has been accepted.  Cross your fingers.

I also found the most amazing website called Skillshare!  It's my new addiction.  It is full of classes you can take in just about any area you want.  One of my goals for this year was to go through my blog and choose an inspirational phrase or quote, one for each month and hand letter it.  I am not a graphic artist or hand letterer but I found a class on Skillshare that is teaching me how to do it!!  I'm so excited.  It's been amazing. Each class comes with video tutorials and projects that you have to upload to the class.  I'm really enjoying it.

Finally...I did one more thing on my bucket list this week!! I submitted an article to a brand new National Magazine just getting ready to launch.  My article is about expectations.  I am scared and excited!   If they buy my article, it will be my first magazine article and I will make more money on this one article than I ever have.   Fingers crossed.

In other news of catching up...All of the activities we have done over the past two weeks have caught up to Shelbie.  She finally crashed last night.  She is one worn out, sick girl.  I'm hoping a full day of sleeping will restore some energy to her.


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Sunday, July 12, 2015

Exhaust the Little Moment

This weekend finally arrived!   Slide The City!!  We bought tickets for this event the very first day they became available back in February!  It has been Sam's dream all year!  

Slide the City is a 300 yard slip and slide!  They set it up down one of the hills in town and away they went!  We bought an unlimited pass so they kids could slide from 8am til 5 pm as many times as they wanted.  They also got a cool hat, tube, mouth guard, t-shirt.  I sat on the blanket and supplied drinks and snacks and enjoyed the people, the music and basically doing NOTHING! 

It was well worth the money.  I was surprised at the turn out though.  They said they sold 2000 tickets but it didn't feel like 2000 people in attendance.  It was sort of weird because when I told people we were doing this, they looked at me weird like..."Why?"  Why?  Because you only live once!  That's why! 

Wow...two blogs in one week with pictures! 

Only part of the slide!

Sam and his friend Sam!  We call them Sam Squared!  Two great kids! 

Headed up the hill

Shelbie and her friend Kristy

Me and Shelbie
Even Shelbie had a great time!  She is a trooper.  Her friend came along as well as some guys they know.  She tried so hard to keep up but walking up that hill to the top was hard on her.  She didn't want to wimp out so she kept going.  Today, she is paying the price.  I'm proud of her for sticking it out.

At one point, a big storm moved in.  There were weather warnings issued for 45 mph winds and large hail. The winds came and picked up the whole side of the slide and wreaked havoc!  Shelbie was one of the first to run out to grab and edge.  The mats that the slide was on were slippery and she went flying down the pavement.  Needless to say...she is suffering with some impressive road rash!   Some Volunteers saw it happen and ran to her rescue before I could even stand up.

They got the volunteers spread out but some of the older women helping weren't too keen on the storm coming so Sam and his two friends ran out to help.  I was really proud of my kids for jumping in without being asked.  The ladies were very grateful for the help as well.

They closed the slide down til the storm passed and the boys held it down. 
It was a great day and another day that we were able to exhaust the little moment.

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Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Playing Hooky


 After Monday's dramatic evening, everyone was feeling blah on Tuesday so...we had to play hooky!

There is this place not far called Bear World.  It's a drive through park where you can see all kinds of wildlife.  It's been around for a long time but we have only been once.  We went the very first week they opened and it was expensive and lame.  I think they only had one bear and it slept in its den the whole time so we didn't even see it.  They had a few deer and elk but we see those weekly just in the area.

Shelbie mentioned earlier this year that going back was on her bucket list.  It still looks about as lame to me but what the heck?  We went yesterday.

It's still horrendously expensive and borderline lame but we did have a good time.  We always have a good time together.  So, here are some pictures of our afternoon!


Me at the entrance

Sam feeding our spirit animal.  What a pig!!  Ha ha...he just kept eating and eating and grunting! I named him Buffet!
This guy thought Shelbie was a real treat!  He wouldn't leave her alone!


The kids said this chicken reminded them of me..."Looks like he's been through the wringer...like you!"  LOL!! I think they are right! 

The little kiddie bear ride.

A wolf!  They are just mean looking animals.

A brown bear...or maybe a grizzly. 

Can you find the deer in this picture?

This guy didn't appreciate us looking at him...moving on...

The Albino Elk.  Apparently there are only 3 or 4 of these guys around.  He was beautiful! 

The Grizzly 

It was a fine afternoon.  Just nice to regroup and slow things down a bit.  I can't say it's a place I will ever go back to though.  I guess I'm not that into wildlife and such.  That's sad when you think about it...I haven't been to Yellowstone in decades and it's in my backyard!  I just don't get the fascination with that.  Maybe this year, we will take a trip just to say we did it.







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Tuesday, July 7, 2015

It's all my fault

Here's a mind bender for you...

Most of the time, as parents, we screw up!  We make both large and small mistakes.  Hopefully, we discover our mistakes, course correct and carry on.  Sometimes though, you find out too late that a mistake was made and there is nothing that can be done now except for therapy.

Sometimes, you find out about those mistakes in the pillow aisle at Walmart, while a Walmart employee stands by pretending to work just to find out how the argument ends.  ;)  Other than the nosy Walmart employee, it's not a bad place to pick a family fight; there's plenty of sound absorbing materials in the pillow and memory foam aisle.

There's your Tuesday life hack! (You will want to repin this for safe keeping and fight nicely reminders!)

So...what is my crime?  I'm a little embarrassed to admit it...

I am being accused of keeping us a close family and raising my kids to love each other...TOO MUCH!  But that's not all...I am also being accused of being such a loving mother!

This is true!  There was more arguing over these two points than the bridge jumping incident last week.  Real, honest to goodness yelling and lots of tears! I was just sort of speechless.  I mean, what's a loving mother to do? Yell back?

The problem coming at us at warp speed is change.  It's been happening for the past two years really but it's intensifying.  Spencer leaving was the start of it.  That single event was so traumatizing to Shelbie, she can hardly stand to hear his letters, she gets so homesick for him.  She cries each time we've been able to Skype with him.  It's been a very hard change for her.  Now that he is coming home, she is afraid that he is going to turn around and leave her again for greener pastures.  She is beside herself with the unknowns of how the next few weeks will play out.

She handles this by snapping at everyone!  Poor Sam is at the center of her moods because he is gone all the time and won't hang out and do anything with her.

Sam is also going through the same anxiety.  He is excited for Spencer to come home but nervous about how Spencer has changed, how he has changed, maybe they won't like each other.  Maybe this...maybe that...The Wasband is trying to convince Spencer to move in with him and that is adding a little fuel to the anxiety for everyone.  The kids really don't want to be separated again.  They want things to be how they use to be before he left.

Sam has been really moody lately.  To the point that I want him to start back up on his anti-depressants so before dinner, I opened that can of worms.  He admitted that for the first time in months, he doesn't feel sick and he hasn't had to go to the doctors in a couple of months.  He knows that bone marrow biopsies are coming up and he doesn't want to do it.  Then add the anxiety of Spencer coming home and possibly leaving...he's wanting to be numbed out with activities every second of every long day so he doesn't have to face reality.

So...back to the pillow aisle.  Sam had mentioned while at Walmart that he needed a new pillow, which he really does!  He asked nicely if I could afford that.  Shelbie went off like a 4th of July Firecracker!

That's when I threw down the proverbial pillow, called a truce and said, "THAT'S ENOUGH YOU TWO!!!  WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? STOP FIGHTING!!!"

Then everyone started crying...the above truths finally spilled out...and then we managed to get somewhere!  AND...that's when the bottom line came down that I have ruined them with love.  Loving them no matter how naughty they have been.  Teaching them to love each other no matter what.  Teaching them to love others.  Making them serve each other...it all boils down to the fact that life is changing, they are growing up...changing.

Then the classic line from Shelbie, "WHY?  Why did you do that to us?  Most parents don't like their kids by the time they are 18 and the kids don't like each other and they all just want to go their separate ways!  Why didn't that happen to us?  Why do you like us so much?  It would be so much easier if you didn't!"

I know...it's funny to read it.  Sad, oh so sad to hear it.  It's true.  We love each other so much.  We are hanging on for dear life to each other.  Change sucks!   It didn't help that I told her earlier in the day that my parent's are moving back to Canada, farther North than I will ever be able to drive in a day to see them.  That weeping came out in the pillow aisle too...My kids adore their grandparents.

I am glad we have this problem, however, it makes the inevitable changes of life almost unbearable.  Really.  For all of us.  I might have to start dropping Valium tablets in their Dr. Pepper each morning before we all head off to a therapy session or two because I am such a rotten mom!  Where was CPS during all this love?  Why didn't they stop me from myself?  Why didn't they tell me I was doing it all wrong?    Sheesh!


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Sunday, July 5, 2015

In the details

Well, I took another road trip this week.  Not one I was planning on so I didn't take much time out for blogging.

Last Monday, my mom had a stroke!  Completely unexpected.  In fact, when my dad called to tell me, he said, "Mom's had a stroke."  I thought in my head that he was referring to his mom, my grandma.  I wasn't expecting that it was my mom!  I was pretty much shocked.

She was blessed to have good doctors and thorough doctors who ordered appropriate tests.  It could have been so much worse and she isn't out of the woods but doing better than most do with strokes.

I have had a lot of time to think.  Something I don't do a lot of.  I'm usually working, tracking down kids, running to the hospital, running to the doctor, researching...anything really to keep my brain from thinking about anything too deep.  When you are driving for 8 hours straight, there isn't a lot to occupy your mind.

Last week, Spencer wrote in his letter about how his companion was having problems with depression and didn't want to do any work.  They had basically had to drag him around with them.  One house they tracted out, had a family interested in hearing more about the Gospel.  The daughter was really into Anime.  It just so happens that so was this other Elder.  It was a way into this family and the work because they had something in common they could talk about.  After that appointment, Spencer said the companion cheered right up and got back to work and his depression got better.

I don't think it's a coincidence that one door they knocked on was the exact thing that Elder needed.  I know for a fact that God loves his children.  He is in the very details, the seemingly smallest detail, just for the intent and purpose of making us happy and blessing our lives.

I see that in my mom's events this week.  As my dad explained how it all happened, there is no doubt that  the Lord was orchestrating events and timing for her good.

Sometimes, it is harder to see that in our own lives.  Sometimes, you have to look closely to see that things really are falling into place instead of falling apart.

Well...24 more days until Spencer gets home!  24!  I need to get busy...with the details! ;)



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Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Sam in Summer

Sam.  What a little busy body he is this summer.  He is by far my most social kid and it's a little weird.  I'm not usually the type of mom who has an organized, planned,  summer schedule.  I did when they were little and I was home being a mom but when I got divorced, that sort of changed.

It's been tough to get him to find some balance between friends and family so we are working through some things.  Little by little, I add some new rules to the summer.  At first he pushes back a bit but then comes around and it's not too painful!

So, we have some growing pains this summer.

Sam is a great kid so I shouldn't be complaining.  It's kind of funny, there's only one bit of mischief he has been into already.

Bridge Jumping!  I hate bridge jumping.  I have forbid my kids to ever go bridge jumping!  Of course, Shelbie never did, Spencer sneaked around a couple of summers to do it and now Sam!

At least he fessed up sooner than Spencer ever did.  When asked why he didn't tell me he was doing that, his classic teen response, "Well you didn't ask if I was doing that."

Oh smooth...turn the situation around to blame the mom!  What is it with teenagers?  Do they offer a class at school called- Pulling the Wool where they teach them to never take responsibility?  Sounds like something offered in the Common Core stuff.

Anyways, he didn't get far with that theory and we had a lovely talk about responsibility.  Character.  Integrity.  Respect.  And...Worst Case Scenarios.  It was such a fascinating debate, and I won!  I'm pretty sure he won't suggest we play, 'Guess What I'm Doing' again!  LOL.

I think I sufficiently convinced him that I am about the coolest mom out there!  Just kidding.  I have a long ways to go.  We did however, come to a compromise on the bridge jumping activity.  If he wants to do it, he's going to have to jump through a few hoops first but it will be a win win.

On a side note, Sam's picture showed up on the iJump website.  He doesn't know where the picture came from but it's a cool one.  He was pretty excited about that.


This boy's a keeper!  He is having a great summer with lots of adventure and sucking the life out of every day.  I guess I can't complain about that.
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