Thursday, June 11, 2015

Old People Are Funny

Shelbie started pulmonary rehab today.  Neither one of us really knew what to expect.  It turned out to be quite an entertaining afternoon.
Not sure how I feel about seeing her with oxygen...


Shelbie is the youngest in there by at least 45 years.  It was packed with elderly people.  Some were on treadmills, some on bikes, some lifting weights...just a flurry of activity.

As we walked in, everyone said "Hi".  I mean everyone!  The nicest group of people I have ever met!  The therapist greeted us and whisked Shelbie away to get her set up with heart monitors, blood pressure monitors etc. then took her for a walk around the hospital.  I stayed in the room and sat at this large round table with two other elderly women.

Lady 1 said, "Is that your daughter?  She's so young!  She doesn't look a day over 15."
Me: "Yes, that is my daughter.  She's 22!"
Lady 1: "That's too young to be here.  What's wrong with her?"
Me: "She has a genetic disease that is creating holes in her lungs and heart."
Lady 1:"NO!!!  Can they plug them up?"  She turns to Lady 2: "Did you hear that?  The girl has holes in her lungs and heart!"
Lady 2: "She has a cold in her lungs and heart?"
Lady 1: "NO...HOLES!"
Lady 2: "That's the worst thing I've heard!  Is she your only child?"
Me: "No, I have three kids with the same disease."

Just then, the husband of lady 1 sits down and he mumbled something to lady 2.
Lady 2 replied, "Listen!! If your Bull@#$& was music, you'd be a brass band!  Now sit down and listen to this!"  She went on to talk about Shelbie.
Husband: "Geez!!  Sounds like you got nothing but bad luck!"

Then a third lady sat down and she started complaining about the air conditioner in her car going out and that she had a hole in her septum.   Lady 2 said, "Just stop complaining.  You have no right to complain.  We are in perfect health compared to that girl.  Look at that little girl over there!  Holes in her lungs!"

The third lady let out a gasp!  "Well, I have a hole in my septum!  Can't imagine what it's like having a hole in your lungs!"
Then the man said, "Good Hell!  I'm getting healthier and healthier the longer I sit here!"

I could not stop laughing.  Then he said to his wife who was lady 1, "I say we just go home and make love!"  Well, that started a little argument about who he thought he would be making love to since she would have no part of that!

That started a whole line of conversation about love and dating!   Lady 3 apparently went on a date the night before to Perkins and her date took their chocolate cake home and she didn't get any so fat chance that he is going to get a second date.   The husband just kept bringing up afternoon love making and I'm sitting there going..."What the heck, these 80 year olds are getting way more action than I've seen in a decade!

We spent about 15 minutes discussing the menu at Perkins.  Apparently, that's where they all meet up after rehab for chocolate peanut butter pie or the chocolate muffins. They were astounded that I have never eaten at Perkins and debriefed me on what to order when we go...after rehab.

Those people jumped from one amusing conversation to the next.  They even got into religion.  Two of them were Catholics and two were ex-Mormons.   They were talking about how their friend Karen missed today because she was being cornered by the Mormon ladies..."Boy those Mormons sure like to visit and help.  They call themselves Relief sisters or something like that. Nice people but I'm not joining."

It was just so comical.  They were all so smitten with Shelbie.  Most of the men came up to talk to her.  One lady told her she hopes she gets better quickly so she can get married and make love.

Seriously...is making love all old people think about?  Making love and eating chocolate cake.  I guess pulmonary rehab is working for them.

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