Sunday, June 14, 2015

Let's talk about...

Mammograms!

It's hard being a woman.  Seriously.  We have to do some of the darnedest things like, oh, I don't know...give birth for one thing.  That's not entirely fun and enjoyable I mean, unless you love doubling your body weight in 9 short months, squeezing a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon, get the life sucked out of you and other unmentionables.

We do it all like champs, veterans...like it's just another line item on the to do list.  We rarely complain, we just git 'er done.

It makes me wonder about Bruce Jenner.  Why in the world would any man want to become a woman?  What kind of guy signs up for that?  Well, keep in mind, he waited until well after menopause to become a woman...wimp!  See, even a real man can't do what a woman naturally does.

But then there are mammograms.

Medicine has come so far but when it comes to mammograms, not far enough.  Is this really the best we can do?  I don't think there is another cancer screening test as primitive as a mammogram. It looks all high tech but don't be fooled...it's primitive.

To test for colon cancer, they don't squeeze the crap out of it until cancer cells show up on a computer screen. Nope, you take a nice little nap, they look around and you don't feel a thing.  Brain cancer, they don't place your head in a vice and flatten it out until it's about 1/8" thick so why do they do this for breast cancer screening?  Why?

Here are some survival tips for getting a mammogram...


  • Take Ibuprofen before you go.  Takes lots of it!  Your back is going to hurt by the time you're done with this nonsense.
  • Don't be misled by the lovely pink smock they give you to wear.  This is nothing like a morning at the spa...and it really serves no purpose other than to get from the changing room to the testing room. 
  • When they start the vice up, don't look down. It will terrify you. Stare straight ahead. 
  • When she tells you to hold on...she means it. 
  • Don't become friends with the tech.  Any conversation will just distract them from getting over to push the button. See the note below...
  • Make sure you get a tech who is fit and fast.  You want them to be nimble and bound back and forth between the machine and behind the radiation screen.
  • When they tell you not to breathe, don't worry, you won't be anyways.  It's just something they have to say.  In fact, if they don't get the shots they need first time, they will need to supply you with oxygen.
  • Don't be alarmed when the tech has to sit on the floor in order to get things lined up.  This is pretty much the point when you stop feeling human and more like an experiment.
  • Don't cry.  Big girls don't cry.
Note:  My tech ended up being good friends with my friend who died the week before, Mike.  We saw each other at his viewing.  This is no joke...once I was sufficiently flattened and caught in the machine, she decided to start talking about Mike and his wife Cindy.  She stood there detailing out her thoughts and I have no idea what she was saying...I think I was starting to black out.  I just wanted to will her to shut up and get on with it.  At one point, I'm pretty sure she didn't realize how far she was hand cranking things because she was rambling on.  It wasn't until I let out a squeal that she said, "Oh sorry! Too far?"  

I just really think that they need to come up with more advanced methods of doing a mammogram.  Oh well...I'm good now for another year!  I'm going to enjoy the break!

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