Wednesday, June 17, 2015

I would rather...

      Watch my kids go through bone marrow biopsies than watch Shelbie struggle one more day at pulmonary rehab!  I can say this with 100% certainty because there was a time when they always let me watch the bone marrow biopsies on all three of my kids!  Always!  Those were the days!   It was hard to watch and painful to watch, even though most of the time, they were asleep.  I even witnessed twice, once for Shelbie and once for Sam, when they used no sedation!  Even that!!!  Was easier than watching Shelbie at rehab.

      It's nothing new for her to say she is short of breath.  My pat answer is, "Oh well, just take a break.  Slow down.  You'll be fine."

Seriously!  Today was wretched. It took everything I had not to cry.

At one point, the nurse called over the therapist and they were watching the computer screen, then one of them called out to Shelbie, "Shelbie, are you doing okay?"

"NO!"  She was gasping for air but she had oxygen on!
"We can tell!" One nurse called out as the other was headed in Shelbie's direction.
Apparently, everything had set off alarms- her heart rate skyrocketed and her oxygen sats tanked.  I'm not sure what her blood pressure was doing but I assume it went high as well.

I just sat there, not really knowing the extent of the problems and tried to continue the conversation I was having with another patient at the table.  I kept trying to mouth the words, "Are you okay?" to Shelbie but she couldn't figure out what I was saying and I didn't want to be rude to the people I was suppose to be listening to.  I also didn't want to be THAT mom who freaks out at everything so I tried to play it cool but inside was a different story.  Ugh.

I really had no idea what was happening physiologically to her when she complains of not being able to breathe.  Now I know.  Is it really all that great to know?  Is ignorance bliss? is.

All of that left me feeling not so great!  A little shaky.  But then again...stupid lupus!  All day, I felt like I was being chemically burned from the inside out.  My face has been on fire all day!

Tonight, the kids were busy with stuff so I went to see my Nephew sing in a voice competition.  He was up against some tough competitors and nailed it!  The songs everyone sang were so powerful.  I had an emotional reaction to several of the one he sang, Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 and another one Desperado by the Eagles.

                                   "It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you 
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late"

It was a powerful shortage of emotion.  


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