Monday, May 18, 2015

The Perfect Opportunity

Today, I received the most perfect opportunity!

It was perfect in every way!

A perfect opportunity...

To become bitter.
To get really angry.
To throw a massive temper tantrum.
To question God.
To find out just how much resentment can unravel you.
To lose hope.
To give up faith.
To give in.
To just.  Give.  Up.

And...why would I want to pass up such a great opportunity?

I didn't.

So...I had me a moment.  I threw in the towel- well, threw it across the bathroom.  I cried a little, then I cried a lot and had me a sweet little pity party that lasted all of 10 minutes until I was so tired, I had to take a smallish nap.

Today, I was officially diagnosed with Lupus.  Lupus sucks!  It's not cancer but it's Lupus.

It is mean and angry and fighting against me on every possible level.  In this very moment, it is attacking my kidneys, every single joint in my body from my ankles to the bones in my ears including every rib which makes it really hard and painful to breathe. Since my kidneys are struggling a bit, I am taking on water like the Titanic.  Seriously!  I've gained 7 pounds in under a week. My red blood cells are dropping, my white cells are petering out and I have never experienced fatigue like I have the past week or so.

It explains my clogged tear ducts, my deformed and useless thumbs, my incredible back ache and all the other ailments I have had the past little while.  Lupus is making my Ankylosing Spondylitis go crazy so I am one miserable person in a ton of pain.   Today, I woke up and couldn't move my neck!

Lupus, at least what little I know of it is like a mystery.  You never know what you will be feeling from moment to moment.  It's a big surprise!  One day, I feel nauseated and dizzy.  The next day, that's gone but my knee burns in pain.  One moment, I feel like I have a raging fever, the next minute it's a hot flash and my insides feel like they are burning up!  The one constant is the brain fog and the fatigue. I hate it.  

Finding out I have Lupus was a perfect opportunity...

To thank God it wasn't cancer.
To get some practice perfecting my faith.
To be my own guinea pig and practice the things I studied about nutrition and healing.
To trust that God is not going to let me down.
To get my life in order.
To realign my priorities.
To take better care of me.
To understand what my kids feel like when their blood is so low.
To figure out what really makes me happy in life.
To find a new job.
To be brave.
To be an example of hope, faith, trust in God for my kids.
To live.

Yes, it's going to be hard. Not just the disease but keeping my attitude in check.  Tonight, I'm so worried about how I'm going to keep working.  Cleaning is hard when you feel awesome!  It's a lot harder when your body isn't functioning.   Tonight at work, I had to sit down multiple times to rest.

 The biggest learning curve is going to be giving in when I want to keep going.  I'm a go-getter.  I'm not use to sitting around feeling miserable.  I'm not use to feeling weak.  I'm use to taking care of everyone else, not myself.

I will say this, and it's going to sound selfish because I am selfish, I make a better caregiver than I do a patient. I don't know how my kids do it.  It's much harder facing difficult health crisis that threaten your mortal existence than to be the one looking on and feeling fine.   Much harder.  I have a renewed reverence for my children.

Well...I'm tired and I'm sad but life goes on.  I am going to face this with hope and faith and a proactive attitude.  Thankfully, I'm going into this crisis moderately healthy.  I have some bad nutritional habits but I'm not overweight, and my bad habits are not so bad it won't be hard to make the changes necessary.  I'm actually starting to handle the apple cider vinegar better...that's a blessing.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but I know this is God's way of preserving my life.   More on that later.  Time for another nap!   I wonder if I could get paid to sleep because I'm really excelling at lately!


1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear that! That is terrible news.