Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Arms Flailing...

Sometimes, I think the world is just one big cruel joke.  Last night, after a long day, I sat on my bed and thought about the quote from the Hunger Games movie..."May the odds be ever in your favor!"   I mentioned on FB that I just need to change my alarm clock to wake up to a creepy voice saying those words.  It's fitting as everyday is a battle to just survive the trials!

Last night, Shelbie went to what is called a Shootout.  It's where many of the areas top photographers get together to do specialized photo shoots.  The organizer provides professional models, make up, flowers, location etc and then they all take turns posing the models and taking their best shot.  They learn new techniques and learn from each other.  The photos then get posted on a website for everyone to see.  Shelbie has been scouted out by some highly sought after photographers.  It's been a great thing for her.  But...There's always a BUT...

Last night, after the shoot, the organizer suggested they all meet at Olive Garden for a late dinner.  Shelbie went along.  The models, the stylists and photographers all went.  At about 9:30 pm, she texted me inquiring the name of my most recent stalker.  I asked her why and she texted me a name, asking if it was him.  IT WAS!!!  What are the odds?  She was with people who live nearly 2 hours away from our home!  She was sitting one person down from him!  I couldn't believe it! He was at the photo shoot!  It just seems impossible!  The guy has a restraining order in the State of Washington and a violent history against women and here my daughter is, sitting beside the very man who stalked me for 2 years!  Ugh.

Today, we are in the hospital for IVIG.  I had to sneak off for a doctor appointment.  I didn't get bad news but not great news.  He wants to do more specific testing and asked me to go off of all the medication I just started so that it doesn't interfere with the testing he wants to do.  I will go off everything for a week, then head back for blood work and wait for those results before starting back up, if I start back up.  I dread going off the medication.   I have been feeling a little better and don't want to slide back to where I was three weeks ago. Such is life.

I don't even question God anymore.  Not that I ever did but now, I have just accepted that life is hard and it's going to get harder.  We need to be refined and we need to be fit for Heaven.  That can only happen through testing and trying.  It sounds negative but really, I don't even count on easy days rolling around anymore.  That's not to say there aren't blessings in each day but it certainly takes some hunting.

When I got back to Shelbie's room at the hospital, she was still zonked out on meds and the TV was on The 700 Club, some evangelist show.  The minister was telling a story about a person who had been swimming and got into trouble and started drowning.  They were screaming and flailing their arms trying to stay afloat.  The onlookers kept telling the lifeguard to go save the person.  The lifeguard stood still and continued to look on at the struggling swimmer.  The people watching were getting angry at the lifeguard.  Finally, he dove in and brought the swimmer up to the safety of the shore.  Later, he was asked why he waited so long to save the swimmer.
He replied, "I had to wait until he had become weak and wouldn't fight me in the rescue efforts."

I didn't hear the point the minister was trying to make but I heard the point in my own head.  How often do I flail my arms in discontent and panic?  How often do I fight against the will of the Lord?  Even if He did come to my rescue, I would probably continue to flail and hardly notice the relief being offered.  It's not until I am weakened and tired that I can see the help and accept it, knowing full well, I can't do it on my own.

I can honestly say it has taken my own health crisis to see that I can't continue on the same road, at the same pace I've been going.  My body is clearly saying 'No' but I keep pushing the limits, thinking I can make something from nothing with a little more work, a little more effort, a little more attention...a little more.  In many ways, I think the latest trials are to weaken me, keep me humble so that I will be better fit for Heaven.

It sounds like an easy concept but when you are drowning, it's instinct to fight and flail; not be still and wait to be rescued in a weakened state.  I am not good at being still.  I have never been good at being still.  I have always been so independent, relying on my own best efforts so the learning curve in this concept is steep!

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