Tuesday, March 24, 2015

What are you dying to do?

Yesterday, somewhere between listening to a talk on the mystery of ants to a seminar on Pulmonary Arteriovenous Malformations, I heard a man say, "What are you dying to do?"  That struck me as an interesting statement we hear all the time.

"I'm dying to..."

From day to day, we say it all the time, mostly in relation to trivial matters like that hot fudge sundae we are dying to taste, the big sale on the Coach bag you've been dying to get or a restful trip to Cancun.  We die for any number of things.  But, when the rubber meets the road and you realize that maybe you are dying, what is it you are going to do with this one very precious life you have been given?

What then, will you be dying to do?

It's been a week of struggles.  Yes, It's only Tuesday morning but the last three days have been a big struggle; on so many fronts.  Shelbie continues to feel rotten and I continue to feel rotten because there is nothing I can do to make her feel better.  We are doing everything possible and she is still finding it hard to breathe.

It seems, that at some point in this process, everything breaks loose and words are said and tempers flair but it's all in an effort to realize and speak your truth.  That happened late last night.

We were all tired, sick and tired, when it broke loose.  After everyone had a chance to let off a little steam and do a little crying and get a little mad, we were able to make some headway in this battle of whatever it is we are battling.  I say that, because we are battling more than just a rare disease or two.

Shelbie asked, well, she screamed really..."Why aren't you doing anything to fix this?  You always fix things?  Now you just stand there and do nothing!"

Finally, I could say what I have wanted to say for so long..."I ...CAN'T ...FIX ...THIS."  I'm understanding Pulmonary AVM's more but I can't fix it.  I don't know who can fix it.  It felt so good to finally speak those words.  It wasn't fun, but I felt a huge burden had been lifted.

To say it was an easy night would be a raw exaggeration.  It was anything but!  However, when the tears had been spilled and the hardest words had been scattered about, we gathered each other close and shared some love, some prayer and some peace.  It was good as we all laid across my bed and finally shared a laugh.

I asked the kids...What is it you are dying to do?  And that, may be the hardest question in the world.  To be uncertain of your future, I mean really uncertain of your future.   Part of the fear in dying is dying without a purpose, without knowing what your passion is, your intentions...to just be tossed about in the chaos of uncertainty is truly where the fear lies; it's not in dying but in trying to figure out how to live.

Today, is another day to figure out what it is we are dying to do...


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