Monday, February 9, 2015

The Struggle

Life is hard isn't it?  I mean, I am getting to the point where I'm not too sure how much more I want to deal with.  I say that as if I have a choice in the matter.

I am gearing up for a very hard week which might be okay if I hadn't of had such a hard weekend.

I am trying really hard not to work on weekends.  Funny how a show down with death changes your perspective some.  I don't answer emails, answer phone calls, return phone calls...nothing.  It doesn't always go according to plan but it is evolving.  I just really want to be more available for my kids.

So, Saturday night, Shelbie and I went to see the movie Unbroken.  Good grief...if that isn't the saddest movie that has ever been made!!  Geez!  I love a movie about the tenacity of the human spirit but this was just too much!  The way this man was treated was beyond anything I could frame it in. It just overwhelmed me.

The whole time I watched this movie, I kept thinking about myself and my kids.  I wondered if I would have the will to push through the adversity like this man did.  We have a big appointment this week with Shelbie to get her genetic results on the C1 Deficiency and her pulmonary function tests.  There is a high possibility that she has the same lung and heart problems as Sam.  In fact, I wouldn't even be surprised since she actually does have symptoms, unlike Sam.  So, as I was watching the movie, I likened what he was going through to what I might have to face.  I just became so consumed by the hurt and hardship of the world.

We left the theatre at about 10:30 and in the middle of driving home, my car simply died.  Just stopped running.  I jumped out and while I pushed it from the inside lane on main street, across an intersection and to a side street, Shelbie steered.  I just pushed with all my might and didn't notice a car coming up in the next lane, not seeing that I was trying to get my car out of the way.  I pounded on the trunk for Shelbie to stop but she had already seen it and slammed on the brakes just in time.  I was terrified of what could have been.

We got out of everyone's way and I sat in the driver's seat as Shelbie walked around to her side.  When she got in, I was crying uncontrollably.  Like I have never cried before.  I think I started going into shock.  I was shaking and couldn't breathe.  All I could say was 'Call 911'.  I have never experienced this before.  She was scared.  I was scared.

She came over and opened the door and just kept talking calmly to me and coaching me to breathe.  Finally, things turned around.  She called her dad and he and Sam came to take us home.  I felt like a freaking idiot!  I was so embarrassed.  I kept apologizing and reassuring him that I wasn't going crazy.

Shelbie and I stayed up until almost 2 am just talking and listening to a list of fears for this week. It was both nice, to connect with her yet again, so lonely.

It's just been a struggle.  Such a struggle.  No matter how hard I try to do to good things with my day, focus on others, stay busy, do all the things I'm suppose to, it just gets harder and harder.

I found out this morning that timing belt broke in my car.  $2200 to fix it.  I guess it's cheaper than a new car but seriously?!  Why?   I called three people just to talk and actually ask for some help and no one answered, no one called me back...I finally prayed again!  And again for heavenly help.

FINALLY- it came from Spencer!  Of all places!  Spencer never includes a ton of spiritual detail in his letters.  He never goes into great length and for the most part, his letters are short and sweet but I love them.   Today, he spoke words in his letter that I needed to hear and no doubt he was inspired. He's been learning and studying more about the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Here is what he shared.

 " All the negative aspects of human existence brought about by the fall, Jesus Christ absorbed into himself. He experienced vicariously in Gethsemane all the private griefs and heartaches, all the physical pains and handicaps, all the emotional burdens and depressions of the human family. He knows the loneliness of those who don't fit it, or who aren't pretty or handsome.  He knows what its like to choose up teams and be the last one chosen. He knows the anguish of parents whose children go wrong. He knows these things personally and intimately because he lived them in the Gethsemane experience. Having personally lived a perfect life, he then chose to experience our imperfect lives.  In that infinite Gethsemane experience, in the meridian of time, the center of eternity, he lived a billion billion lifetimes of sin, pain, disease, and sorrow.
 God has no magic wand with which to simply wave bad things into non existence. The sins that he remits, he remits by making them his own and suffering them. The pain and heartache that he relieves he relieves by suffering them himself. These things can be transferred, but they cannot be simply wished away or waved away. They must be suffered. Thus, we owe him not only for our spiritual cleansing from sin, but for our physical, mental, and emotional healing as well, for he has borne these infirmities for us also.  All that the fall put wrong, the savior in his atonement puts right. It is all part of his infinite sacrifice, of his infinite gift."

Oh how I wish I was stronger.  I wish I didn't have to act so mortal.  I wish I could have more faith, be more hopeful, trusting...know my Saviour more.  I wish I didn't have to feel anger and resentment and fear.

I even wish there was a magic wand to wave this on by.

But, that isn't the plan.  The plan is to suffer, and in that suffering and growing and learning and stretching and even anguish, like I felt on Saturday night, there is a cleansing.  A healing.  It does not happen swiftly but at times, painfully slow.

So, I guess I will continue the struggle.  The good days will come and so will the bad and the hard and hopefully, through it all will come a little more understanding.



  1. Did you get your car fixed? We have a good mechanic friend in our ward here that I could give you his info if you want.

  2. Bryanna, yes, it's in the shop. I would love your friend's name though. I didn't know this guy at all, it would be nice to have a mechanic who comes with good recommendations. We have an aging fleet of cars.