Wednesday, February 25, 2015

It's a Miracle

Today, Shelbie had her cardiac workup.

As they say, Hope Springs Eternal.  It does.  I truly believe that it does.

Going into these tests today, I kept thinking, wouldn't that be amazing if everything was fine?  If, for some strange reason, the CT scan and Pulmonary Function tests were just done on a bad day but really, everything is fine?  I even told my wasband in conversation a day ago that I thought everything was going to be okay with Shelbie.

I thought... There is no way, I will have two kids with heart problems.  No way.  If I did, I don't see how they can classify these heart issues as anomalies or congenital.  I was feeling pretty good about these thoughts which was a big deal because up until today, it's been hard to keep the anxiety at a manageable level.  It's hard when you have already gone through something once and thought everything was fine but then it turned out not to be, as in Sam's case.  I was afraid of thinking anything but bad thoughts, or as I like to call them, realistic thoughts.

So, I was mighty proud of myself for seeing the half full glass this morning as we drove into the city. I didn't feel worried or anxious.  I felt pretty peaceful actually, as if it was just another errand to run.

Even when I walked into the same room we walked into with Sam, I was fine.

Even as the test began, I was fine.

Even as I heard the thumping of her heart...I was fine.

As they moved from the echo part of the test to the bubble study, where they inject agitated saline into her heart through a vein, I sat on the edge of my chair, fully expecting to witness a miracle.

I wasn't sure if the thumping I heard was my own heart or hers being magnified through the ultrasound. I was ready for my miracle!

The tech said, "Inject" as a sign to the other tech running the saline to push the saline through her veins.  As he did that, I watched intently to the screen.  I saw the bubbles flood the right side of the heart.  I watched as all those bubbles flooded the left side of her heart!

In a bubble echo study, those bubbles are suppose to stay in the right chamber and not cross over to the left.

I swear, I let out an audible gasp!  I could not believe my eyes!  I covered my mouth and fell back in my chair!  My wasband asked if I saw the bubbles.  I quickly whispered to him where to look for the bubbles on the second injection.   Again, that left chamber filled with bubbles.  My untrained eye saw it, my wasband's untrained eye saw it and you could see the look of shock on the Radiologist's face as he saw the bubbles cross over.  It wasn't just one or two...it was as if the entire injection slipped over.

I guess I didn't get the miracle I was hoping for.   It never hurts to dream.

As I was fixing dinner, I thought again about miracles.  You know, to look at my kids, they are my miracle.  They look so healthy on the outside compared to what is happening on the inside.  A miracle.  They have obviously had these problems their whole life and we just didn't know about it and they have accomplished so many wonderful things.  Amazing things.  They have pushed their bodies to the limit and God has preserved them when in reality, they shouldn't have done any of it! It really is a miracle.  It's a miracle that we are getting through these tough problems as intact and happy as we are.

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