Monday, December 22, 2014

I don't even know...

What a roller coaster of what nots!

Last night, we ended up in the ER with Shelbie.  Not only was she having her IVIG reaction but she developed the biggest welts and hives all over. I don't have a clue where those came from or why.  We got home at 2am.

Today, Sam was the happiest he has been in months.  I was so grateful because I had to work and after getting only 3 hours of sleep, I just didn't have much energy to give him.

Missionary Monday was today.  We got a letter from Spencer and it was so discouraging.  It was like day and night from his past letters.  He seemed really upset.  I had told him, gently, about Sam because I think he would want the opportunity to pray for his brother.  He said that there are just so many problems with him, the whole mission and our family.  I know the mission has been through some crazy hard times but I thought he was taking it all in stride.  I just want to talk to him now.  I don't have one ounce of patience to wait until Thursday to talk to him.  As for the Christmas presents, he got some of them back, opened and thrown in a box.  He was appreciative for what he received.

Tomorrow, we have a busy day.  We start out bright and early with the final cardiac testing for Sam.  From there, we drive an hour and a half for Shelbie's testing.  Hopefully, we get home early evening.

I have really been handling things pretty well.  I mean, I've been emotional for sure but not frazzled and scared.  Mostly, feeling blessed and overwhelmed with the blessings I have seen.

Tonight, I don't know what happened.  I just seemed to unravel.  It must be days on end of very little sleep.  I know Spencer's letter really upset me.  We have had a ton of stress I guess, when I think about it.  It does seem to be a little more than usual.

I just want a plan.  I want a plan for Sam.  Truth be told, I really want him to have atrial septal defect because if he doesn't have that, then we have bigger problems that can't be fixed like the lung issue, the mini strokes.  Those two issues are way more serious to me than the heart problem.  At least, that is where I am tonight.  Obviously, I don't want the heart problems to be too terribly bad...

Now, I sound like I'm getting ready to place my order at McDonalds...Cheeseburger, no pickles, no onions, extra ketchup, double cheese.

I would like an Atrial Septal Defect please about 1/4 of an inch in diameter, surgery through the aorta, not a broken set of ribs, I would like the lung problems to magically resolve and his vision to never be affected again and...I'll have some fries!

Ugh...I hate days like today.  I hate the back and forth, the rising anxiety, the panic, the not being able to talk to Spencer and find out what is wrong...I hate that my kids have to go through any of this stress.

So today has been an 'I don't even know' and 'I can't even' kind of day!

Tomorrow, I will be back on top of the world.


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