Sunday, December 28, 2014

Everyone will get use to it..

I've been doing some research in the areas of Lyme Disease and Lupus for a friend.  In all of my research, I came across and article in the New Yorker Magazine called, "What's wrong with me?"  It's an article written by a lady who has been plagued with autoimmune diseases.  She's pretty candid about her life and her feelings.  I could appreciate and connect with everything she said.

In one paragraph, she quotes a nineteenth century French writer, Alphonse Daudet in regards to his own suffering, "Pain is always new to the sufferer but loses its originality to those around you." and "Everyone will get use to it but me."

Those two statements really struck a chord with me, especially this week.

I have been walking around in a fog, probably due to lack of sleep, stress, worry and poor nutrition.  I have seen it affect me more and more.  Today, I had to go the urgent care because I've been having spasms in my back and neck since Thursday and can't even move my head.  It's pretty painful.  After the doctor, I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions and they asked me to key in my phone number.  I typed in a number and looked at it, it wasn't my number.  I don't know whose number it was.  I typed in another number.  Still not my number.  The clerk said, "Oh, you must have gotten a new number.  It's always hard to remember a new number."

I didn't get a new number.  I just couldn't remember my number.  I turned to Shelbie with a puzzling look and then it popped into my head!  Sheesh!

At the mall on Boxing Day, we ran into some friends.  The husband said something to me and I had no idea what he really said.  I repeated what I thought he said but it wasn't even close!  I felt like an idiot and they stood there awkward and looked at me like I had just made a really bad joke.  I was really too tired to care and they left, probably thinking I'm crazy and inappropriate but really, life has taken a toll.

My brain is running so slow and processing things even slower. I just feel lost.

I feel just like this lady described...everyone will get use to the fact that we are always dealing with something and they think that I am use to it too.  The truth is, I will never be use to it.  It's as hard today as it was 22 years ago.

I think this is how isolation and loneliness happen, people don't get it and my reality is now so far removed from theirs.  I don't have one ounce of energy to make it okay for everyone else.

I was comforted some when I inquired about my brain fog on my support group.  Many mothers admit to the same kinds of problems.  One mother forgot to pick up her kids from school. I totally get that!  It's just too bad we have to keep it all to ourselves.

Yesterday, I ended up with a huge clog in my kitchen sink.  I took all the pipes apart and bought a 20' auger to clean out the drain.  I worked on it for hours and hours!  I could never reach the clog.  At 8pm, I finally called a plumber.  He came right over and it took 50' of auger to get to the clog.  It was where the house plumbing meets up with the city lines!

Weird thing...he had recognized me from 15 years ago when he had heard about my kids being sick.  He asked how they were so I gave him the quick run down.  He said, "How do you even manage?"
"Honestly?  I manage them better than I manage little things like clogged drains."

It's true, its the little things that set me off!  Life is so weird and wild!!


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