Friday, December 19, 2014

Cracked and Broken

I've been waiting for this moment since May.

I finally broke into the high wall that Sam has been so diligently building all year since he heard the news of his disease.  It was just a crack but enough of a crack to release some pressure...anger and very raw fear!

Sam came up to the hospital after school.  We walked down to the cafeteria and ran into some friends.  Danny works at the hospital as a Respiratory Therapist.  They asked Sam how he was doing and with a grin that spread across his face and eyes as big as the moon, said, " Great!"

"Are you lying?" Lori asked

With a bigger grin, Sam shook his head YES.

We got into it with them because I really wanted his opinion since he does Bubble Echo Studies everyday.  I explained the symptoms and he said something both scary but interesting.

He reminded me that a lot of kids end up dead before they know they have Atrial Septal Defect.  It's the active kids who drop on the football field, or soccer field or playing basketball, who have an issue but never know until it's too late.

With Sam, we are headed in the right direction.  It's a total fluke that we found what seems to be our reality.  He has a chance to get it fixed.  Obviously, he's not done what he came to earth to do.  He is so active with Parkour classes and our nightly visits to the gym.  He pushes himself in crazy ways physically.  It occurred to me that this is actually a blessing...not a trial. Sam could have gone on with these lung and heart issues and just drop one day.

When we got back to Shelbie's room, Sam started asking some questions about the procedure he may have to have.  I answered them the best I could but I really have no idea.  Without warning, he just folded over on himself and sobbed and sobbed.  I was so sad.

I held him tight and just let him cry and shake and wet my shoulder with his pain.

It was a sweet moment of grief.

Then I said, "Sam, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  It's so hard."

That's when he cracked!

"You- don't- even- know- how hard this is!!!!" He just screamed it in my face.  "It's not happening to YOU!!!!  IS IT??!!"

I sat there for a moment, stunned at the way he had spoken to me but then quietly said, "You're right.  I have no idea."

He is right.  I only know how much it hurts to be watching this unfold for him.  The fear for me is on a different plane, a half step removed.  I feel a different kind of pain.

I was so happy he finally got angry!  He has been keeping so much inside for too long!  If we hadn't of been in the hospital with sick people trying to rest, I would have kept poking him to the point of explosion.  It's healthy.  He needs to get it all out.

At least today, it was a little pressure released.  He's so sad.  The sooner we can get this behind us the better.

It's such a strange place to be caught in.

To know something is a blessing yet feel it's a curse.
To experience peace, yet wring yourself out with anxiety.
To see the hand of God, yet see nothing at all but problems.
To feel trust, yet doubt everything.

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