Saturday, November 22, 2014

Broken Hearted

I need to toughen my skin or something because my heart has been broken in so many pieces this week!  I can't stand to see people struggle.  I can't stand to see other people with broken hearts.

When I say I can't stand it, I mean, I really can't stand it!  It is so overwhelming to me!

Maybe it's because of the life I have been given.  The hard things I have faced have been...well...

HARD

I don't want other people to have to go through hard things.  I don't want them to have to stare down their own mortality or that of a loved one!  I would take on everyone's problems if I knew they could be spared their own heartache.

It's really a big deal for me.  I don't like feeling helpless, powerless.

Three big things this week...

1.   My friend who had a liver transplant earlier this year is really, really sick!   Ugh! I was upset to hear that he is back in the hospital and struggling with what they think is acute liver rejection yet the jury is still out on what exactly the sum total of his problems are.   I emailed his mom to tell her I was thinking of them and I was sorry that he is so far away now and she can't be with him.

I love her response to me!  "He may be farther from me but he is the same distance from God!"  What a beautiful sentiment!  I learned so much from her in that one simple sentence.

2.   I have another close friend who is expecting baby number 5.  They are a beautiful and loving family.  She found out recently that there are some heart abnormalities with her baby.  She has more testing to do before they can determine the extent of the problems and what complications that will mean for him, if any.  Again, I found myself crying for this news she had to hear!  I prayed and prayed and scoured the Ensign for a message of peace and hope I could share with her.  I think it was mostly to make myself feel better!

3.   I have a friend who is also my doctor.  I love her to pieces.  She could teach a thing or two about caring for patients to just about any other doctor.  She's actually a Nurse Practitioner.  Last night, I saw her at the clinic, not for an appointment, I just ran into her.  We talked for a minute but then she confided in me that she had surgery last week to get her gallbladder removed.  While the surgeon was in there, he noticed something not right with her liver.  They suspect she has cancer.  Not just any cancer but Melanoma!!!  What is it with that crappy cancer?  I don't have Melanoma but I have three friends who do and I hate it!!  This friend had melanoma 12 years ago and went into remission.  She finds out Monday for sure if that is what it is.  While we talked, she said she wanted more than the statistical 5-7 months.  She has a son on a mission.  He left just before Spencer.
       Because I have been following my other friend's blog, who has melanoma, I was able to share some things I have learned from this other girl.  I told her of all the experimental treatments she has done and how they have worked.  This other friend has done some amazing and thorough research which I also shared.  I think it gave her hope.  She wasn't really aware of the other options out there besides your standard chemotherapy treatments that are basically useless.

     Again, my poor heart!

          Last night, as I laid in bed, I thought that as much as I want to step in and save them from these hard things, I can't.  It's all part of their plan of suffering.  We will all suffer at least once in our lifetime, some more than others I guess.  I reminded myself that more often than not, once the initial shock subsides, the trial becomes one of the most holy places!  A quiet place of reflection.  A peaceful respite a midst looming chaos. It becomes a time to really come to know the Saviour; an opportunity that seems to only present itself in circumstances such as these.  It is those times when everything happening around you and to you is simply out of your control so you reach for God's hand and discover the reach really isn't that far!

        Like my friend said, the distance to God is the same no matter where we are.  I'm excited for my friend who is growing her eternal family, to reach for new depths of love with the children she has and the child yet to be born. For her to see that she is in a partnership with a loving Heavenly Father and together, they will guide him and support him as he fulfills the measure of his purpose. She will care for him and carry him as he embarks in his mortal journey, however long that is, minutes, months or years.  What an amazing responsibility.

      To my third friend, she has such strong faith.  She uses her spiritual eyes to see the good, to see the blessings and already I can see that she is looking for God and he is there, in so many tender mercies.  If she hadn't of had the gallbladder problem, they never would have found the liver problem so soon!

     I guess, at the end of the day, it all comes down to trusting in God.  Trusting he has a plan for our happiness!   Though I truly believe that...my heart still struggles to settle down.  Sometimes, I just don't think I'm cut out for the hurt in this world.

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